I had accepted my body for what it is and stopped trying to change it, letting nature take it's course, eating whatever I wanted to. And when I first moved to Minneapolis, sans car and income, I lost a whole lot of weight! I was actually happy with how my body was changing and looking forward to carrying less weight each day. Then I quit smoking and got a car. That was the beginning of the end of my happiness with my body. I had gotten used to losing weight, looking better, feeling lighter. It didn't take long for my weight to return to where had been for the vast majority of my life.
To make matters worse, the asthma that had been mild for several years was now catching up with me due to my 20+ years of smoking. If I walked 5 blocks, I was out of breath. If I couldn't walk it off and I couldn't exercise it off, I decided it was time to see the doctor about my asthma to see what could be done.
In an attempt to get a grip on my (almost debilitating) asthma, my doctor put me on steroids for 10 days. Anyone who has ever been put on steroids knows that not only does it make you argumentative, your appetite increases to almost unmanageable levels. There wasn't enough food on the PLANET to ease my appetite. You see, I have a desk job. And a nasty habit that I've developed as a result of quitting smoking is to "graze". I "graze" all day. I've got sesame sticks, peanuts, pretzels, crackers, just about every snack possible at my desk most of the time. When I'm out of my "healthy" snacky stuffs, I'm left to the choices in the vending machines. This was compounded by the hunger inducing steroids. And I've gained close to 30 pounds since then. That was 4 months ago.
I really am becoming more weight conscious because I recently got married to "the one." He's the one that I didn't have the patience to wait for and had 2 failed marriage attempts because I was so anxious for my "happily ever after" to happen. He loves my children as his own and has no children. We had been discussing having a baby for about 6 months. And my only stipulation in bearing a child for him was to be married first. I wanted to do it "right" this time, since it's the last time. And I wanted to get married because we love each other, not because we're pregnant and it's the "right thing to do." After a long time, he finally agreed, and here we are!
I've been wanting to lose weight for about six months now since that's when we began discussing a baby. I know that being so badly out of shape at my age (37 at the time of this writing) could really cause some problems during a pregnancy not only for me, but for the potential baby I'd be carrying. Add the extra weight of a pregnancy and severe asthma and you've got a recipe for disaster.
My friend and co-worker Sue Clerc unwittingly took on the role of my "healthy food" coach. You can read more about Sue Clerc by clicking the "About Sue Clerc" tab. But, know that she has been such a wonderful addition to my life. I love being praised by her when I make good food decisions and I dread disappointing her by making bad food decisions. Unfortunately. the disappointment happens much more often than the praise.
The other day at work, I had a co-worker get some Mexican fast food for me on her lunch break. I was loving the heck out of those potatoes and tacos... until Sue Clerc walked over to my desk. I was on the phone when she arrived but I muted the phone, held up a napkin to obstruct her view and said, "don't look at me!". At that moment, I felt like my eating habits revolve a lot around whether or not it would disappoint Sue Clerc. I often tell her about my "healthy" meals that I had outside of work because I really like it when she tells me what a great job I did. I think of her as the pinnacle of healthy living. If I impress her with my "healthiness" then I must be doing something right!
Adversely, when I have those days where I feel the need to run to the vending machine, I avoid walking by her. You see, her desk is on the way to the vending machine but there is a hallway on the other side of the wall behind her desk. To make matters worse, because I don't walk in front of her desk, I don't know if she's actually there or not. Most of the time she is, but on a rare occasion, she's not and I bump into her in the hallway on the other side of the wall! And then I get that look... that, I'm-incredibly-disappointed-in-you-right-now-because-you-are-intentionally-eating-bad-foods-despite-your-weight-and-health-concerns, look. She has graciously agreed to allow me to take a photo of that look of hers, you'll see it soon enough. It makes my blood run cold. I absolutely hate disappointing her. And I know, when I see that face, that is exactly what I just did.
Which is why I've decided to start chronicling my weight loss/gain journey. There will be days of disappointment and days of triumph. I want to share them all with you.
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