Eating for 3?

If you are friends with me on facebook, you know by now that I am pregnant.  YAY!  Pregnant!!  But, our big surprise was that it is TWINS!  This will be my second set of twins and my fourth pregnancy.  I am only 13 weeks, but I look like I'm 6 months pregnant.

This pregnancy is presenting me with a few problems.  The primary problem is where to find clothes!  Apparently, the world believes that fat ladies don't get pregnant.  It is incredibly hard to find stores that sell plus sized maternity clothing.  I'm one of those people that really enjoys wearing hard core maternity clothes.  The empire waist, skirt-type of shirts that say to the world, "There's a baby in there!"  I only have two that I've been able to find so far.  All the rest of the time, I'm wearing my husbands t-shirts, which are now getting a little snug.  The problem with wearing his clothes is that people aren't sure if I'm actually pregnant or just really fat.  I hate that.

Another problem I face is that I am only allowed to gain 20-30 pounds, according to my doctor.  I have never been more conscious of what I put in my mouth than I am right now.  I feel like every piece of chocolate is adding 5 pounds.  I've never been so obsessed or concerned with my weight as I am right now.  It doesn't help that my doctor is basically expecting problems because I'm fat.  She had me do a glucose test the day we found out it was twins, I was only 8 weeks along.  I told her that I've never had gestational diabetes nor does anyone in my family have diabetes.  It was like all she could see was my fatness.  She made me do the test anyway.

I didn't know I would be having one that day, so I didn't prepare for it.  As a result, I failed miserably.  I called for retakes, but they wouldn't allow it.  So, I ended up doing the 3 hour glucose test.  I passed with flying colors.  I wanted to gloat, but I had no way of doing that, since I found out by letter that I had passed.  I'm not really concerned about diabetes, but I am worried about my weight gain.

Did you see that story recently about the little boy that weighed like, 13 pounds at birth, or something like that?  That baby was so big and fat.  I am so afraid of doing that to these guys!  I've never been this overweight in my life.  And to be pregnant with twins on top of it?!  Oy!

Anyway, I've been eating really healthy.  I bring carrots and dill dip to work every day to snack on.  Along with apples and peanut butter.  But it's the salty stuff I crave.  I looked that up, because I was worried.  Apparently, pregnant women are supposed to consume much more sodium than regular people.  Bottom line?  I need more salt, so I crave more salt.  I'm trying to get it in healthy ways though, like hummus and pita chips, instead of potato chips.

This week has presented more of a challenge to me than any other week thus far.  I found out that my very best friend passed away.  It was unexpected and my heart is broken.  I have gone back and forth between not being able to eat and eating complete crap because I just don't have the energy or desire to eat something healthier.

I can feel the depression on the edges of my conscience.  My husband has been doing a great job keeping it at bay, but he's not always here.  However, I do have to say that I don't know what I would have done without him through this.  His unconditional love can sustain me through anything!  I'm lucky.  Incredibly lucky!

I know my heart will heal.  And I'm trying really hard not to let my emotions dictate my eating habits, but I've never been through anything like this.  And being pregnant on top of it is almost unbearable.  Without the sad news, I started crying at the drop of a hat.  Now, I cry uncontrollably, at any given point in time.  It's exhausting trying to keep it under wraps while I'm at work.  The first day after I found out, I completely lost it when I got home.  I couldn't even stop myself.  But, my loving, wonderful husband held me until I stopped.

Eating... Emotions... Weight... It'll all even out soon.  At least I hope so!  Sorry I'm not really leaving on a high note.  I'm going to eat some pizza rolls and ice cream and finish watching Lilo and Stitch.  It's a rainy icky day.  I might even have to make a bowl of popcorn that I bought from my local boy scouts.  Hot chocolate?  Yes please!

There, a higher note!  :)

Tell the people you love that you love them TODAY!  Don't wait another day, you may not get the chance.

I love you Angela.  Until we meet again...

Vacation

So... Sue Clerc has been on vacation this week.  And, so has my diet.  (Not really, it just sounded good.)  Last week, I had jury duty, so I wasn't too worried about my diet.  I didn't even think about it.  But this week, I was back at work and I was going to eat better.  I kinda did.  I only had fast food one day.  I brought lunch the rest of the week.

I'd say it was a pretty good week overall.  But when I had that fast food (which I typically have smuggled in by someone else), I have to admit that I missed that look of hers.  Sue Clerc's look.  I missed all of her looks actually.  She's quite the presence.

Facebook was my solace.  I could see her face there.  (stalker much?)  She did all kinds of fun things while she was on vacation.  Zip lining, saving the world, boating, kayaking, things like that.  (Okay the only one I know she really did was zip lining, because she posted pictures.)  I was disappointed that there were no food pictures.  I wonder what she ate?  Not really, I know exactly what she ate.  It was all gross veggie stuff that she loves because she's all healthy and stuff, ALL THE TIME.

If I went on a vacation, all diets would be out the window!  Well, I supposed it would make a difference where I traveled to and how I got there.  Road trips are bad!  You eat so much crap along the way.  Snacking for the whole trip, eating whatever you can find at a gas station.

My husband and I went on our honeymoon a month ago.  We didn't even have to drive that far, but we still snacked.  It was about an hour and a half drive.  Granted, we did a lot of driving that day checking on our bees (yes bees, we're hobby beekeepers) and we were in the car for the majority of the day, but still.  I think it may be because we were both smokers.  We both quit, he quit 3 or 4 years ago, I quit 2 and a half years ago.  When we were smokers, the first thing we did was light up.  Now, it's open a bag of chips.  Oy, you just can't help it.  But, I don't really vacation.  I got too many kids for that.  My weekends are my vacations.

(Side story.  While we were on our honeymoon, my husband took a photo of a delicious bowl of Mexican fried ice cream that I was about to devour and put it on facebook, tagging Sue Clerc in it.  He said something along the lines of "look at what she's eating Sue Clerc!"  Cue Clerc's response?  Why are you thinking about me on your honeymoon?  It's your honeymoon, go crazy, eat what you want. --Or something similar, I can't remember exactly.)

I know that weekends are bad.  But, at least I'm getting smarter about my eating habits.  I'm looking at all that I do.  My habits about food.  My patterns, if you will. We have a little gas station that doesn't sell gas across the street and another one a block or two down the road.  These are too convenient and easy.  If I crave some Doritos, guess what?  I get me some Doritos.  I got nowhere else to be.  Just here, in my house, bored, playing WoW, sitting on my butt.

So, I did something new this time.  I went to the store yesterday (Friday) and got some healthier snacky stuff.  I got apple slices and hummus with pita bread.  You know what I really wanted to find?  Those little bean sprouts, the tiny ones that they put in pita sammiches, not those big ones that look like worms.  I couldn't find them at Rainbow and I didn't have enough motivation to check another store, so I just went without.  I totally just had a bowl of cereal, but talking about the hummus makes me want some.  Yummy hummus.

It's not veggies, but it's not Doritos either.  Sue Clerc doesn't eat legumes.  It's a Paleo thing.  Which is why I know Paleo wouldn't work for me.  Legumes are the healthiest thing I eat!  I could write an entire blog entry about legumes and farting.  But, I won't subject you to that.  We don't know each other well enough yet.

Anyway, I got off track there, sorry.  I'm planning on trying to be healthier on the weekends too.  My husband wants to get in better physical condition so that he can apply for a more physically demanding position at work.  And I will do everything I can to make that a reality for him.  Which means that I will eat better too.  So it's really a win-win.  And I'm sure that Sue Clerc would approve!

Eating & Asthma

Sue Clerc and I have a mutual affection for food.  I would say we're "foodies," but that would only apply to Sue Clerc.  I'm incredibly picky and I call myself an antivegetarian, I don't eat vegetables.  Well, I eat carrots, lettuce, and occasional red onion slices in a sammich.  Does corn count?  Pickles?  Probably only partially.

Anyway, we both like food that tastes phenomenal.  And I always want to share my "healthy" dishes with her but what I consider to be healthy and what she considers to be healthy are two different things.  She eats a strict Paleo diet.  I'm including a link for more specifics, but a brief synopsis is that people who only eat "Paleo" are only eating what humans in the Paleolithic era ate.  No grains, because they weren't farmers yet, they were hunters/grazers travelling from one area to another once the food supply had been depleted.  My granola, no matter how tasty or healthy, is not something that she will eat.

The one HUGE thing that we have in common for food?  B A C O N ! ! !  How can you NOT love someone who shares your bacon affinity?  I'm even tempted to try some of her Paleo recipes because they have bacon in them.  I might even want to eat the meals that have like, cauliflower in them!  (did I even spell that right?)  While I know the Paleo palette is not for me completely, the bacon dishes might make me eat healthier.

I'm one of those put-off-ers.  I'll start eating better on Monday.  Or, after this really stressful time.  Or, once I get my finances in order.  It's always any day other than today (and usually farther out than tomorrow as well).  It's like I'm waiting for when it will be easier.  But that day will never come.

I'm an emotional eater.  I eat when I'm sad, mad, stressed, sleep deprived, over worked, in need of a "lift."  I didn't recognize this right away, Sue Clerc helped me see this.  Now that I know this about myself, it seems like I've gotten worse.  I can actually feel myself getting fatter.

I know you're sitting there, post-workout, celery stick in hand; reading this (possibly screaming out loud) "so stop eating like that!"  To you I say, "I'm sorry I ate the peanut butter off your celery stick."

I know that my problem is fear, more specifically, fear of failure.  What if I try to eat better but it doesn't work?  What if I don't lose enough weight so that I can start working out?  What if I'm just destined to be this size for the rest of my life?  What if... What if...

But I know that working out will cause my asthma to completely choke me out.  I don't know if you've ever suffered from an asthma attack but it is one of the scariest things ever!  Truly!  Not being able to breathe is terrifying!  It starts as a heavy weight on your chest and then you can only take really shallow breaths.  You can actually feel your lungs constricting, like they're allergic to the air you're trying to feed them.  And then the panic sets in... "Where's my inhaler?  Do I have enough in me to walk over there?  Will I be able to find it once I get there?"  And guess what folks?  Fear makes it WORSE!  Then you go into full-on panic attack!  You can hardly even take in ANY air.  And once you have the inhaler, you have to try to take a deep breath and completely exhale it out, then take another deep breath as you inhale the vapor that comes out of the inhaler, then you have to try to hold it in for 30 seconds!  Did you know that?  The medical industry decided that the best way to help a person breathe better is to force them to... breathe better.  ARGH!

Anyway, most of the time, you have to take about 3-4 puffs to completely stop the attack from happening.  The whole process takes about five minutes, but it feels like 5 years.  It's seriously enough to make me not want to even try exercise.

I'm not asking for your pity.  I brought this all on myself.  I am well aware of this.  And I know it will get better.  Especially since I have such supportive people in my life.  My new husband, Sue Clerc, Andrea, Erica, Lisa G., and of course, my kiddos!

I'm a pretty lucky lady.  It'll just take a little while... and a little patience.

See you soon!

The Beginning

Welcome to my new blog.  My name is Sandy and I am a hefty girl, always have been.  My weight has always been a struggle.  I've tried many different diets.  Some of them were successful, some of them weren't, but all of them failed in that I am still a heavy girl.

I had accepted my body for what it is and stopped trying to change it, letting nature take it's course, eating whatever I wanted to.  And when I first moved to Minneapolis, sans car and income, I lost a whole lot of weight!  I was actually happy with how my body was changing and looking forward to carrying less weight each day.  Then I quit smoking and got a car.  That was the beginning of the end of my happiness with my body.  I had gotten used to losing weight, looking better, feeling lighter.  It didn't take long for my weight to return to where had been for the vast majority of my life.

To make matters worse, the asthma that had been mild for several years was now catching up with me due to my 20+ years of smoking.  If I walked 5 blocks, I was out of breath.  If I couldn't walk it off and I couldn't exercise it off, I decided it was time to see the doctor about my asthma to see what could be done.

In an attempt to get a grip on my (almost debilitating) asthma, my doctor put me on steroids for 10 days.  Anyone who has ever been put on steroids knows that not only does it make you argumentative, your appetite increases to almost unmanageable levels.  There wasn't enough food on the PLANET to ease my appetite.  You see, I have a desk job.  And a nasty habit that I've developed as a result of quitting smoking is to "graze".  I "graze" all day.  I've got sesame sticks, peanuts, pretzels, crackers, just about every snack possible at my desk most of the time.  When I'm out of my "healthy" snacky stuffs, I'm left to the choices in the vending machines.  This was compounded by the hunger inducing steroids.  And I've gained close to 30 pounds since then.  That was 4 months ago.

I really am becoming more weight conscious because I recently got married to "the one."  He's the one that I didn't have the patience to wait for and had 2 failed marriage attempts because I was so anxious for my "happily ever after" to happen.  He loves my children as his own and has no children.  We had been discussing having a baby for about 6 months.  And my only stipulation in bearing a child for him was to be married first.  I wanted to do it "right" this time, since it's the last time.  And I wanted to get married because we love each other, not because we're pregnant and it's the "right thing to do."  After a long time, he finally agreed, and here we are!

I've been wanting to lose weight for about six months now since that's when we began discussing a baby.  I know that being so badly out of shape at my age (37 at the time of this writing) could really cause some problems during a pregnancy not only for me, but for the potential baby I'd be carrying.  Add the extra weight of a pregnancy and severe asthma and you've got a recipe for disaster.

My friend and co-worker Sue Clerc unwittingly took on the role of my "healthy food" coach.  You can read more about Sue Clerc by clicking the "About Sue Clerc" tab.  But, know that she has been such a wonderful addition to my life.  I love being praised by her when I make good food decisions and I dread disappointing her by making bad food decisions.  Unfortunately. the disappointment happens much more often than the praise.

The other day at work, I had a co-worker get some Mexican fast food for me on her lunch break.  I was loving the heck out of those potatoes and tacos... until Sue Clerc walked over to my desk.  I was on the phone when she arrived but I muted the phone, held up a napkin to obstruct her view and said, "don't look at me!".  At that moment, I felt like my eating habits revolve a lot around whether or not it would disappoint Sue Clerc.  I often tell her about my "healthy" meals that I had outside of work because I really like it when she tells me what a great job I did.  I think of her as the pinnacle of healthy living.  If I impress her with my "healthiness" then I must be doing something right!

Adversely, when I have those days where I feel the need to run to the vending machine, I avoid walking by her.  You see, her desk is on the way to the vending machine but there is a hallway on the other side of the wall behind her desk.  To make matters worse, because I don't walk in front of her desk, I don't know if she's actually there or not.  Most of the time she is, but on a rare occasion, she's not and I bump into her in the hallway on the other side of the wall!  And then I get that look... that, I'm-incredibly-disappointed-in-you-right-now-because-you-are-intentionally-eating-bad-foods-despite-your-weight-and-health-concerns, look.  She has graciously agreed to allow me to take a photo of that look of hers, you'll see it soon enough.  It makes my blood run cold.  I absolutely hate disappointing her.  And I know, when I see that face, that is exactly what I just did.

Which is why I've decided to start chronicling my weight loss/gain journey.  There will be days of disappointment and days of triumph.  I want to share them all with you.

Thank you for reading!  Don't forget to subscribe if you like it.  Come back soon and often, I hope to have new posts as often as possible.