This pregnancy is presenting me with a few problems. The primary problem is where to find clothes! Apparently, the world believes that fat ladies don't get pregnant. It is incredibly hard to find stores that sell plus sized maternity clothing. I'm one of those people that really enjoys wearing hard core maternity clothes. The empire waist, skirt-type of shirts that say to the world, "There's a baby in there!" I only have two that I've been able to find so far. All the rest of the time, I'm wearing my husbands t-shirts, which are now getting a little snug. The problem with wearing his clothes is that people aren't sure if I'm actually pregnant or just really fat. I hate that.
Another problem I face is that I am only allowed to gain 20-30 pounds, according to my doctor. I have never been more conscious of what I put in my mouth than I am right now. I feel like every piece of chocolate is adding 5 pounds. I've never been so obsessed or concerned with my weight as I am right now. It doesn't help that my doctor is basically expecting problems because I'm fat. She had me do a glucose test the day we found out it was twins, I was only 8 weeks along. I told her that I've never had gestational diabetes nor does anyone in my family have diabetes. It was like all she could see was my fatness. She made me do the test anyway.
I didn't know I would be having one that day, so I didn't prepare for it. As a result, I failed miserably. I called for retakes, but they wouldn't allow it. So, I ended up doing the 3 hour glucose test. I passed with flying colors. I wanted to gloat, but I had no way of doing that, since I found out by letter that I had passed. I'm not really concerned about diabetes, but I am worried about my weight gain.
Did you see that story recently about the little boy that weighed like, 13 pounds at birth, or something like that? That baby was so big and fat. I am so afraid of doing that to these guys! I've never been this overweight in my life. And to be pregnant with twins on top of it?! Oy!
Anyway, I've been eating really healthy. I bring carrots and dill dip to work every day to snack on. Along with apples and peanut butter. But it's the salty stuff I crave. I looked that up, because I was worried. Apparently, pregnant women are supposed to consume much more sodium than regular people. Bottom line? I need more salt, so I crave more salt. I'm trying to get it in healthy ways though, like hummus and pita chips, instead of potato chips.
This week has presented more of a challenge to me than any other week thus far. I found out that my very best friend passed away. It was unexpected and my heart is broken. I have gone back and forth between not being able to eat and eating complete crap because I just don't have the energy or desire to eat something healthier.
I can feel the depression on the edges of my conscience. My husband has been doing a great job keeping it at bay, but he's not always here. However, I do have to say that I don't know what I would have done without him through this. His unconditional love can sustain me through anything! I'm lucky. Incredibly lucky!
I know my heart will heal. And I'm trying really hard not to let my emotions dictate my eating habits, but I've never been through anything like this. And being pregnant on top of it is almost unbearable. Without the sad news, I started crying at the drop of a hat. Now, I cry uncontrollably, at any given point in time. It's exhausting trying to keep it under wraps while I'm at work. The first day after I found out, I completely lost it when I got home. I couldn't even stop myself. But, my loving, wonderful husband held me until I stopped.
Eating... Emotions... Weight... It'll all even out soon. At least I hope so! Sorry I'm not really leaving on a high note. I'm going to eat some pizza rolls and ice cream and finish watching Lilo and Stitch. It's a rainy icky day. I might even have to make a bowl of popcorn that I bought from my local boy scouts. Hot chocolate? Yes please!
There, a higher note! :)
Tell the people you love that you love them TODAY! Don't wait another day, you may not get the chance.
I love you Angela. Until we meet again...
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